I'm back from the country, only for a few days, then hopefully heading to Sydney for a week...

Will be typing up a longer post when i'm done with all my errands lol..

Miss you all, my darling tblog friends!

Hugs from an exhausted and tanned me... :D

hiya all..
Sorry its been a while..
Stil havent felt like blogging..

Busy packin up, and cleanin stuff.. Cant wait to go away on the 27th for 2 weeks!
So this is probably my last post til i get back..

Havent got anything to blog about, i've become a boring person haha!!

I've decided that i dont want to blog about my rape, even though i've been thinking about it alot recently, and been taking alot of trips down memory lanes..

My bro injuried himself today at work, stuck a drill in his chest/throat.. jeez, what an idiot..
An inch either way, woulda hit his lung/windpipe, or an artery.. He's very lucky! Has 5 stitches to show for it, and there'll be a scar for life...

Umm, finished all my xmas shopping-thank god for that lol!
Only thing left is... packing my clothes, and do my xmas email..
Tmail me if you want to be emailed to :o)

Til next year huns! MWAHHIES

Sorry for not being in here lately, posting or commenting..
Havent really felt like it...

Got dumped by CB via a sms.. telling me he has a gf, but he still likes me. Whatever! I havent been letting myself think about him...
BS-he still rings, for a fuck. I've been sayin no.. Havent even been tempted to say yes, maybe cuz of his attitude/behaviour the other night...

1 of the other reasons why i havent really felt like blogging, is cuz i feel like i dont have anything to say, and it was the anniversary of my rape the other day. Its now 6 years since it happened...
I havent talked to anyone about it, i dont know how i feel about it. Although i've been plagued with memories...

Thats all for now, maybe i'll be able to talk about it in the next post..
Til then, have a great time at all the pre-christmas parties. Drink and be merry... BUT dont drink and drive! (that goes for you too Angela!!)

OKay, now i'm back, with a new computer, and broadband! YAY!
So, there's nothing stopping me from posting updates for the next couple weeks... (Since i'm gonna be away during Xmas and the New years.. in the country, without computer access :D)

I'm fighting with BS at the moment, well.. technically we're playing 'no speakies' cuz i refused to go home with him the other night when we were at the pub. It felt weird, cuz CB was there, we didnt really talk though. Cuz i was doing the rounds.
BS and i agreed from the start that we'd keep this thing discreet, not wanting other ppl to know right.. But at the pub, he was making it obvious that we had a thing going on. I was totally uncomfortable with that, and was telling him to back off.
Another annoying thing about him is: he keeps sending me dumb text messages when i'm like a metre away from him...GRR!
He stole my drinks, taunted me, had my friends ask me what was going on btwn us.
Not happy!

On the other hand, CB... I dont know whats happening with us, or what will happen.. I'm seeing him tomorrow.. I'm... nervous about what he will say/has got to say.. (its gonna be our proper catch up since our 'fight' a few weeks ago)...

I enrolled at TAFE the other day, and even got my timetables etc.. Way cool! LOL.. Starting on 30th Jan, the first semester i'll be attending classes 4 days a week, and in semester 2 it'll be 5 days for 5 weeks, then after that 4 days, only downside is i've got 1 night class :( Cuz i didnt like the other electives they had offered for during the day...

I think this is enough for now.. Dont really have much to say...
And i'm sure u guys are sick of hearing me go on about BS and CB...
LOL...

Not much has been happening on my side.
Nothing blog-worthy for once! :D

Heard that a couple of friends are expecting their 2nd child, they announced it at their son's 1st birthday party on sat.
Just.. wowness... She's 22, and i wonder if she can cope-having 2 kids under the age of 2 years?!

Feels weird, everyone's settling down, buying houses, gettin married, or having kids...
And i'm 1 of the FEW thats just dilly-dallying... LOL!
But then again, i'm studying next year, and i'm gonna do my dream-globetrotting...

By the way, you could say that BS and i are fuckbuddies... *shrugs* There's no emotional attachments. Sad innit? I deserve so much more.. But i put myself in this position... I could break away easily-maybe thats what the attraction is about. Maybe i'm still afraid of committing.. of falling too fast, too deep?

Maybe its too soon?

I'm still missing CB... I'm seeing him fri if not before. Dont have a good feeling about it...
Maybe i like him more than i'm willing to admit...

Sorry everyone, my computer crashed! Its still crashing! I'm grabbing this opportunity to write up a post when it seems to be okay..
So i didnt want to update my blog on friends/public computers.. I treasure my privacy too much! LOL...
Especially now i'm back home, not housesitting/babysitting anymore..

Just a little update on my crazy life...

A couple of you asked me how was the kiss with CB.. It wasnt that great, he reminded me of a washing machine, a very wet one at that! LOL!!!

He and i aren't seeing each other for the moment, after a minor fight about me being too busy or too tired to see him, and him wanting to spend the night at mine/me spending the night at his.
I tried to explain that i wanted to take things really slowly, and that i've been single for too long. Am not used to having to check with another person about plans etc, i'm too used to leading my own life and doing whatever i want, whenever i want...
He doesnt understand that, and keeps asking me for reassurance that i still like him etc, when i'm not even sure if i do. He reminds me of a whiny 5 year old at times-thats another guy i definitely dont need in my life! (for example, when i told him that i wasnt sure if i was into him like he was into me, he replied with "i'm not that into you as you think, no offence" in middle of the argument, then he calms down and says "i'm not good with taking things slow, i scare them off")
So i basically told him that i'd be too busy to see him for the next few weeks, -this is to see how i'd go/feel.
Right now, i'm missing him..
But do i miss HIM, or the sweet/idiotic messages he sends me everyday?
I'm going to see him on this fri i think-when i go to this graduation thing for the AUSLAN students in the group above him. Bit nervous about it actually :S

Now, here goes on the other manchild in my life-BS!! We're still talking to each other. Have made some tentative plans to see each other, but a couple of them have fallen through. Which i didnt mind, but he did-from the sound of his messages.
Am more than probably going to see him this weekend, since i'm visiting my dad and the family for the weekend on the other side of Melbourne. He lives near my dad, so yeah.
He's still heartbroken about LT. Apparently they've made their peace with each other, so thats good. But he's still harping on about her still seeing his enemy-WHATEVER!!! i told him to get over it lol...

OMG!!! I dunno how i could have left this bit of news til now-I got in the TAFE course!!! The one where i thought i fucked up the interview...
Enrolment's in a couple weeks, i'm so excited, classes start at the end of January next year.
i'm going to be doing "Diploma in Community Welfare" :D

After reading Rinna's latest post on Alopecia Areata-which i also have, but in a more aggressive form. I realised i havent really posted anything recent on my progress with it.
What i've got is really called Alopecia Areata Univeralis. Which is the worst kind of Alopecia there is. I've lost hair all over my body, not just my head.
I'm still sticking by my word-not taking any medications, not really changing my diet, or anything like that.
My hair is starting to grow back, dark blonde patches here and there. Its so weird looking in the mirror and seeing those patches. My friends are forever saying "Jeez, how did you get those bruises?!" and when they look closer and find out its actually hair, they go and say "aww, how cute!!"
I dont know if my hair will entirely grow back, and stay like that. Its more than possible that it'll fall out again.
Although its a relief still having my eyelashes. Hair have been growing back all over my body over the recent months, which has been a pain-it meant i've got to start shaving again, after 14 months without! LOL! And i've been finding hair in the most weirdest spots-like my chin, upper lip, and even hair that looks and feels like pubic hair on my arms! Ew!! So i guess i'm gradually moving up on the list and now have got Alopecia Areata Totalis.
It can be stressful living with this disorder, but i've coped alright. But then again, my hair was never important to me :D

I think i've made this post long enough, hoping the next one wont be too far away!

mmmm...

Had my first kiss with CB.. Didnt go that good..
1) He was drunk & stoned
2) it was in a driveway during a barbecue we were at-and people were around (well they were in the backyard, and didnt see anything as far as i know)
He was so cute afterwards though, i disappeared on him-mingling with everyone else. He text messaged me saying "Is there something going on btwn us now?" I didnt reply. When he finally found me-i was sitting on the stairs having a conversation with a few people, he signed "I like you... i mean, i really really like you" and that remark made the ppl i was talking to, smile and then they made excuses to leave, leaving us alone...
I wasnt in the mood, and i told him so. Left him looking bewildered..
Felt like a bitch when i walked off.

BS was at the barbecue too! I nearly shat my pants when i saw him...
Already decided not to continue whatever we were doing, and i think i made it obvious to him. I ignored him, didnt say hi or anything, until i was hugging a friend, who was talking to him. Thats when i said hi, my friend asked me if i had a bit too much to drink (which i did by this stage), i laughed and said yeah. BS jumped in and said 'It feels like everytime i see you ur always drinking' I was like 'well yeah, got a problem with that?' "ur always too fucked to talk to me!" I laughed, then gave him the finger and walked away.

Was talking to another friend-FC at the barbecue, she was a bit upset, because her best friend was doing stuff with the guy she loves. I totally understood what she was going through, so we snuck off and sat in a lounge room, where the kids were playing games, and started talking about everything. Which incuded J and JB as you all know. Then CB and another guy comes in the lounge and sits with us watching the conversation etc. CB didnt even know about the whole thing. I wasnt going to say anything to him about it, and now CB's all "when were you going to tell me?...I think i'm gonna back off, cuz its obvious your not over him.... " etc. I lost it with him saying "look, i was never gonna tell you, because i somehow knew u'd act like this. Wanting to back off, etc.. Thats NOT what i want. JB and i was NEVER together, i have accepted that he's with J now, and i'm trying to move on"
He was like "but i dont wanna hurt you, even though it'll happen by accident, i still want to see you, i just dont know.." i told him that i wasnt a doll, i dont break easily. and all i want from him is to be himself. We left it at that.
What a mess!

I went to a 18th birthday party after the barbecue. I was totally surprised they let me in the place, because i was pretty off my face. Everyone was telling me to slow down and i'm telling them "i'm fine, fuck off i need another Jim Beam!" (and laughing at the same time)..
Went to a gay nightclub after that-it was excellent! Hot guys whoo-hoo! Hahaha!

Blew 100 bucks yesterday-on alcohol, and a massive pig out at KFC on the way home *laughs*
Still feeling seedy right now ugh!

Okay, here's what been happening...

I went home for a few days, cuz i had the information session and an interview fo r the welfare course i'm hoping to get into next year at TAFE (community college).
The information session was excellent.. I'm totally lookin forward to doin the course.. But the interview.. dont think i did so well.. I was nervous.. cuz i had to answer 5 questions in front of others who were applying to do the course as well.. Will be finding out if i get in at the end of next week, so fingers crossed.. but at the same time i dont have my hopes up..

BS-well, as you all know, i slept with him on the weekend.
What happened was: i got a msg from a friend asking me if BS could have my nbr. I was freakin out, cuz i thought BS was gonna tell me something bad (cuz we slept together earlier this year, without protection while hw as on a 'break' from his girlfriend). And we never spoke to each other since. Then now he wants my nbr out of the blue.. U cant blame me for freaking out can ya?! Heh..
All he wanted to know was if everything was cool between us, etc.. Then tells me he broke up with his gf, it looks like its for good this time.. Apparently she dumped him by saying 'i want a guy who'll be a better man than you ever will be'.. Not sure what brought that on, but now he wants to see me, cuz i'm 'a great gal, easy going.. and easy to talk to'
I asked him why did he contact me now, why not earlier? He said that LT (his now x gf) wont forgive and forget what he did to her earlier this year, and that she cant stand seeing me. We've seen each other a few times since then, but never have talked of it. Apparently i'm her "worst nightmare".. not sure what or why.. After all it was just 1 night... And she was fucking 2 other guys when they had the week apart anyway!
But anyways yeah, we saw eachother at the pub, and yeah it led to what happened. Been talking to him all weekend, he's like a little boy in some ways.. Wanting comfort, etc (he's 30 by the way).. Totally heartbroken about LT.. now that she's chasing after his enemy... ("at least he's bigger than you in bed" was 1 of the things she said to him recently)
I'm not allowed to talk to my friends about him, because he doesnt want people to know that we're talking.. Fair enough, and i agree too. I got so much crap from people when they found out about our night together.. (it didnt help that when we did it, we were in an apartment where 7 other people saw, and knew what was happening)...

As for CB-the guy i'm 'sorta' seeing now.. he knows about BS wanting me to be a part of his life, but not about the night we spent together recently. He told me he was confused about his feelings for me, even brought up marriage (i was like "WTF?!" here btw!).. And that there's another chick on the scene, but she lives in another state.. For some reason that makes me want him more. I know it sounds bad, but then again as the saying goes "you always want something you cant have"... We've agreed to continue seeing eachother, see what happens there..

I'm seeing CB this weekend, and BS wants to see me this weekend too!

Craziness!!!!!!

I'll have to make this short..
Will post a longer one within next few days, when not too busy...

Am back at home for a couple days, got this interview for TAFE...

I'm still talking to BS-the guy that belongs in my past, and should have stayed there.. Whoa, very interesting conversations has been happening over the last few days... Wil have to tell all in the longer post..

I'm still seeing B.. We dont know where its gonna head, but have agreed not to become serious, cuz i'm stil going to head over to the UK, alone!!!
He has another chick on the scene.. who lives in another state..
For some reason, that makes me want him even more.. I'm a bitch aint i?!

Outta here, love you all!

Good news: I broke my 10 months drought...
(and it was worth it!)

Bad news: with someone from my past..
(Why do i always do this? When things are going good!)

Sucks to be me right now!

I'm now recovered from my party haha!
Hope you liked the photos, if you havent seen it, tmail me if you want to!

I'm currently on the other side of Melbourne, babysitting/housesitting for my aunt, who's in Gold Coast (Queensland) at the moment, sorting out a family situation up there. So here i am, looking after the cosy 3 bedroomed house, with a pool/spa in the backyard. Looking after my cousin who's 14, a cat named Amber (i dont know what type of cat she is, but she's gorgeous...), and a maltese terrier who seems to be dumb for her own good, named Peaches.
Been here since thursday, and will be here for another 3 weeks. Been terrific so far, its so good being a 10 mins tram ride away from the city. Considering i've got heaps events on in the city for the next 3 weeks! :D

I've been reading some people's blogs recently.
One in specific, made me think, of what i've overcome in the last couple months. Specifically-the whole situation with J and JB. I'm not saying i'm totally healed, or i'm done with grieving. But, as i've told J the other day, I'm letting go, even though i'm still hurting (I guess i did really love him, cuz i've never been this hurt this long in the past). And i hate the fact that she brings his name up in conversations, but at the same time, i would find it strange if she didnt.
(OMG! the dog farted, and it stinks!!!)
But anyways, a couple people have said to me recently that i've become a stronger person because of it, but at the same time i've distanced myself from people. I see where they come from, i'm quite satisfied going out once or twice a week, and staying home all week, not seeing anyone else apart from family. But when i do go out, i usually make the most of it, getting drunk, and crawling home when the sun comes up (not literally but you know what i mean). Maybe thats not a good thing, but i'm feeling fine doing that. And i find myself not telling people everything thats going on, or what i'm thinking. Maybe cuz i relied on J so much, and then this happened, i feel like i cant do that anymore cuz i'll only end up getting hurt again.

I'm "sorta" seeing someone.. Apparently he liked me since a camp in April/May... How do i explain our relationship/friendship?! We are friends, but always flirted on each other. About 2 or 3 months ago (before the whole J and JB thing happened) he asked me weird questions, and i answered with weird answers. I think a few readers know which questions i'm referring to :D
Since then, he's been acting weird, and weirder! He asked me out a month ago, but i didnt have time and was broke. He gave me a book for my 21st, but apparently he came close to buying me a locket (necklace) which a couple of his friends advised him to get me. But he thought i'd get the wrong idea (which woulda been right!). We finally went out for coffee on Fri, and have agreed to do more of those 'dates' before anything happens. We've been messaging each other nearly every night since...

I'm not sure how i feel about him, he's good looking, has a great sense of humour. He makes me smile, laugh... And he's already sneaking into my thoughts. I'm not too sure if thats a good thing! After all i'm always got those thoughts running through my head, and they're going too fast for me to write/type them down sometimes.

Damn, there goes my mind again... Going too fast for me to type coherent sentences now... LOL!

Currently writing, and editing a LONG post regarding my 21st.

It was VERY memorable for sure!

HUGS!

OKAY...

So lets party people, I'm turning 21 tomorrow!!
6 days til the party..
111 people are coming so far, with 7 unconfirmed..

Wasnt gonna do a colour theme, til Friday, when Mum bought me a dress to wear, which is hot pink.. so the party is now metallic coloured (silver, blue, purple, pink, black)..

Helium balloons have been ordered,
Photoboard have been set up, only needs photos pasted on...

Snacks bought...
Cake needs to be picked up..

Camera batteries needs to be recharged..

Bedroom needs to be totally cleaned, since i'm having some of the guests sleeping over.

Will post a website with all the photos after the party...

I had a great weekend!
Getting drunk, and kissing ppl haha!

Friday: Met up with L, for a drink and dinner.. but we ended up going to 2 different pubs before going to the monthly watering hole-Transport bar.. I drank 3 of those huge bottles of beer.. (this was between drinks!) And being all over the place talking to everyone i knew.
After that, ended up at a 24 hour pub, then headed to this friend's place.. I basically complained that i wanted more alcohol, since everyone was doing their own thing (drugs)... And one of the boys gave me his alcoholic drinks.. so i was happy after that.. I kissed a girlfriend, dunno how, but we werent doin it for the boys attention, even though they were whooping and stuff lol!
I passed out around 6.30 only to be woekn up about an hour or so later, so they could drive me home.. I got home around 9am.. Very fucked.. and had mum yellin at me that she was worried about me etc etc..

Later that day (Saturday): After only about 4 hours sleep, i woke up bleary eyed, went online and chatted with everyone.. Then a friend said he was picking me up at 7pm, to go to this function thing held by this dating website we're on..
I jumped in the shower, and took a while deciding what to wear, since it was my first function i've gone to. Wore this pink babydoll and black pants.. I looked hot! :D
A picked me up from the bottle shop near my place, since i badly needed a hair of the dog, and a couple others to drink on the way there. We, then, went to this other chick's place to swap cars, since A's car was a loaner from the insurance company and it was shithouse..
Arrived at the Beach nightclub (where the function was at).. paid, and picked up my nametag.. When walking in the main room, I had heaps ppl going "UNIQUELAUGHTER!" (thats my nickname on the site) and hugging me.. While i'm like.. "hang on" and looking at their name badge then going "OH MY GOD, its you!" blah blah.. they all were hearing.. but really friendly, trying to speak slowly and clearly for me, if i ddint understand they wrote it down (i brought paper n pen.. and sometimes used my mobile).. I felt right at home..
There wa sa deaf girl who were a member of the site as well, i didnt know her and met her for the first time that night.. I was actually embarrassed being seen with her, she was downright rude.. I just ddint like it.. I mean i've been a member of the site for 2 years, and i get along well with those ppl, they dont deserve to have someone ignoring them, or giving them dirty looks just cuz she didnt understand them..
I had a few drinks, so i was feeling.. tipsy and alright.. then i got dragged onto the podium, by this guy and we dirty-danced.. :D
I danced with a couple others on the dancefloor, and got a couple smooches through them.. i had to quit when i could feel myself sweating, and my wig was a bit loose.. I sat down on this comfortable couch talking to this friend, when i had the guy who pulled me up on the podium.. giving me a lap dance.. i was giggling all through.. then he grabbed me into a kiss, i didnt have time to defend myself, and it was nice.. lol!
After that, whenever the guy and i were in close proximity he'd grab me and kiss me.. He even took off my nametag, and gave me his.. "ddbbwarrior" was his nickname.. I wasnt sure what it meant, i asked someone later on, they said it wasnt common practice, but could mean that he liked me and wanted to keep in touch..
We left the club at around 3am, giving another guy a lift home..
Got home around 4.30am, very hungry since the last time i ate was Friday lunchtime!! LOL...

Sunday: just lazed around with a 'double' hangover.. I swear, i'll never do that ever again lol...
I went on the website, to catch up with everyone.. and also to check out "ddbbwarrior" profile.. i practically screamed when i found out he was 42!!! He sure doesnt look it!
He hasnt tried to contact me, and i think i'd like to keep it that way, cuz i dont know what i would have said.. lol.. I mean, he's old enuff to be my dad!!!! LOL!

That was my wkend ;)

Edited: When talking to L on fri night, about stuff, since we havent been able to grab each other alone.. we sorted out stuff and things are great between us.. She's even asked if she can make a small speech at my 21st, i told her if she really wanted to, she could. And at Treansport, J was there with JB.. JB and iw ere getting along really good teasing each other and stuff. J said she tried to talk to me a couple times but it seemed i was ignoring her. I said i wasnt.. but anyways i told her that I ddint want her to make a speech for my 21st anymore. She said she was gonna tell me she didnt want to anymore but i beat her to it. I'm SO over being angry at her, I'm so OVER hearing stuff about her! She's stil coming to my 21st as far as i know.. i didnt have the heart to tell her she was 'uninvited'.. since JB's invited.. Thats all for now..

Well, i went to see the doc yesterday. Explained about going to the hospital and stuff. He didnt come up with an explanation. Got prescribed a higher dose of the Pill, i gotta see him in a couple months to see how thats going. Its so weird, i normally bleed for 3-5 days regularly when i get my period, but this month it came a week early, and i wasnt bleeding, just spotting and clotting. It stopped after a couple days, but cuz i'm so used to my body (it used to do this before i went on the pill) i stil kept a pad on, and it wa sa good thing, i started spotting again today!

The doc also gave me a form to go for a thyroid scan, since its enlarged, and ppl have been noticing it, and it could be related to my health problems, as well as a couple blood tests. Which i'm not looking forward to, since i absolutely HATE needles with a passion.

I worked today, it was a good day, since i got to shop at the same time lol, i couldnt resist. After the shopping spree a couple weeks ago, you would think i'd be satisfied with what i got. Nah! Haha! I swapped a couple price tags on a couple tops-so i bought it for a reduced price. My bad! Lol!

I walked in this cafe while doing the rounds, it was a real unique cafe. I straight away thought of J, and how she'd love this place. I messaged her and told her so, and said that despite what she may think, i do love and miss her heaps. At the same time i'm feeling so much better (meaning not seeing/talking to her for the last 2 wks). She replied with "I dont think anything. I think of you all the time, and hope ur happy now. xoxox" and for some reason her reply made me close to tears, and feel guilty. I dont know.. Then i talked to K earlier tonight, she has access to J's blog-she's the only person who does. Apparently J wrote a letter to K there, and it included some things that wasnt fair. Accused K of betraying her confidence, when K's the of the best secret keepers i know, and she'll never tell, even if she's fighting with them.
The thing that really got me fired up was when she said "...I really valued your opinions and your friendship, even with all of its ups and downs, I still cared and valued you two with everything I had..." Did she really? She didnt even think of me when she decided to progress her relationship with JB further.
I'm so angry about this at the moment, its funny because i was talking to my mum yesterday about stuff in general. I found myself telling her that i dont think about JB that often anymore. I still think about J, but i dont associate her with JB, its more of like i'm angry and hurt because of what J did. Because to be honest, JB didnt do anything, only being true to himself.
Maybe i'm a bitch when i say this: but J always makes herself out as the victim, and makes me feel bad for acting or saying whatever i have/did. But then again, EVERYTHING always has been about her anyway!
*shakes head* and to think, i was gonna try and patch things up with her tomorrow night. What a big joke!

*takes a deep breath, and goes looking for a spare cigarette since i 'quit' on Monday*

Well, it was an interesting weekend.

Friday & Saturday i ddint do much, just chilled around watching dvd's.
Saturday night my parents had some of their friends come over, and they were surprised that me and my brother wasnt out partying lol. Caught up with them. they gave me a big talking to about my tattoo, even bigger than my parents' haha. I said "its over and done with, there's nothing you can do about it!"

After they left, i came down with bad cramps, i thought it was just my period, its normal to have bad crampings, but by 6am, i was crying and waking mum up for strong er painkillers, she told me where they were. I took a couple and dozed for a bit, but the cramps got worse, spreading to my chest and back. I couldnt walk and it was difficult to breath, i threw up. Woke mum up telling her i thought it was my appendix.
She, then, drove me to the hospital. But on the drive there, i was okay-the pain went away, and i was breathing normally. My back was stil hurting though. Luckily there wasnt too much people in the emergency department, so i got to see a doctor shortly after arriving. The doctor asked me lots of questions, relating to periods, etc etc. He checked me out, said it definitely wasnt my appendix *insert sigh of relief here* but thought it was my ovaries since it hurt when he touched them.
*insert a look of panic here* He told me to see my regular GP, to have a full check up, since he wasnt too sure.
On the way home, mum said it reminded her of herself. She had terrible cramps when she was my age, and having kids helped. And a co-worker of hers is currently going thru the same thing and her doc told her to have kids now-cuz it probably will help. I was nearly in tears when saying this: "Mummy, i dont want to have kids, but i dont want the choice being taken away from me" (i was speaking of having kids now/having a hystercomy)

Came home, went to bed, and slept til dinner. Wacthed a movie, then went back to bed, went to work today. Couldnt make an appointment to see my doc, since the phone line was fucked up, and so was my computer. (dont be surprised if i dont post for a while)

I'm seeing my doc tomorrow, and to be honest, i'm scared as hell!

Leave me some love...

Hey all..

Hope this post will come up alright, since i think my page is fucked?! I'm having this warning thingo coming up just below my links tab...

Anyways, this is what has been happening lately:

-M and i caught up the other day, and had a long heart-to-heart talk, about J and our lives, what else! She kept saying she couldnt understand how J could do this to me, when she's supposed to be a best friend etc etc. I told her that i agreed with her, but at the same time i love J to bits. But can feel myself starting to back away from her, otherwise i'm gonna find some more flaws in her (and u know how dangerous that can be, you kinda pick at the flaws and u turn that against them).. M told me to tell J straight out that i dont want to be friends with her anymore.. otherwise she's not gonna get the msg. I told M that i couldnt just cut her off, cuz she's a big part of me. M, then said "okay, so why did she betray you? Has she given you a reason why she chose to be with JB?" I had to admit that J hasnt, but that was cuz she didnt know. M got really angry, and said "buillshit, you both know deep down, why it happened. She's always been jealous of you, ALL along.. and JB's just something you wanted, and she's just doin this cuz she wants to prove to you that u cant have everything!" I jumped to J's defence (for the zillionth time) and said "Nah! She's not like that!" "Okay, so give me an example, what a great friend she can be?" I couldnt think of any...
This coversation happened a week or so ago, and i still cant think of a big example of what she's done for me..
I've learnt, she's a taker... While i'm a giver...

-J and i aren't going to see each other for a while. I'm not sure how to put this, without sounding like a bitch.. But basically the whole convo with M was still running thru my head, and i was still pissed at the whole 'wanting to spend the weekend with you' thing.. I acted a bit cold towards her at E's farewell dinner thing. Then, when JB, DK & I were having a conversation, catching up since we havent done that properly lately. J comes up behind him, she couldnt keep her hands off him, distracting him, and givin us this look-like "Ha! He's mine!" I mean, so what if DK and i had feelings for him, but it wasnt like we were running our hands over him, we were just talking for christs sake! AND JB had been sayin he's happy with J. Which i'm okay about. I was pretty much angry after the whole thing, then J disappears with C (this is like 5 mins after C arrives at the restaurant!).. and when we were leaving to go to the pub, i came down with bad cramps and decided to leave. C walked me to the tram, while discussing plans for sat-which was to watch the footy final at a pub, on this huge screened tv. C tells me that J asked if she could come along, she told her it was a free country, thats when J was like "well, let me rephrase this, will A want me there?" C was totally lost by this point saying "uh i thought things were sorted things out btwn u guys" J then rolled her eyes and said "Oh who knows with her!" I got totally pissed off when i heard that...
So, it led me to sending her a msg the next day or a couple days later, telling her i didnt want to see her for a bit. She replied saying "fine, so, does this mean i'm off the speech giving list?" since i asked her to be 1 of the close friends of mine to give a speech for my 21st.. I told her that i wasnt sure at this stage..

-S and i aint really talking anymore, after i told him to quit msging me all the time. Plus he wasnt exactly nice to me the other day when we were watching the AFL finals (Sydney Swans won by the way!) on tv at the pub.. He crossed the line at teasing me, it turned into insults. I got really pissed, and it didnt help that the others were laughing.. Luckily M & C calmed me down, and jumped to my defence a couple times.

-After the finals thing at the pub, i headed out west, to a party, which i bumped into the sister of an ex boyf, (who has died) who i havent seen in a couple years, which was brilliant. Got her nbr, and have arranged to meet up with her again, and meet her little girl who apparently looks like my ex.. Who i still dearly miss. His 8th anniversary was last week. It still feels like yesterday (not literally) when he died..
But anyway, I cant wait to see KF & meet little E soon!

Yeah, so my week hasnt been that eventful, apart from staying at the friend's after the party, for a couple nights. Just lyin back chillin, piggin out on junk food and watchin the O.C season 1 on DVD.. It was real good, those ppl i was with, i dont regularly hang out, but it was good.

I'm feeling okay these days. I dont find this need to have to see someone, like J, everyday. I'm quite happy being alone with my thoughts.
I still want to be somewhere else, but i dont see it as running away anymore, i'm just ready to MOVE ON in a BIG way...

I've been reading a couple blogs in this place, and it amazes me, how much people my age, go through. I mean, i feel inferior for worrying about minor stuff i've mentioned in this pointless post...

Sorry guys, for not posting as regularly as i used to..
Things have been crazy with me..

Um, i cant remember what exactly happened after my last post, so i'll just put things in point form, not necessarily in order!

- S still messages me, and its already gotten so annoying-he calls me either "babe, beautiful, sexy, honey" every 3rd or 4th word. I've tried to tell him to chill, but he hasnt gotten the msg. I pretty much reply to every 5th msg he sends me, and i'm pretty straight to the point. Dont even call him babes, or whatever lol..

- I spent the wkend with M and C last wkend watching the soccer competition since J was up in the country with JB meeting his family. M is really angry about the situation that happened. She bluntly came out and said "i dont understand how you can be friends with J, over and over again. When she's hurt you so many times in the past, and you let her crawl back in your life!" and a few other stuff that made me think about the friendship i've got with her. I havent really been seeing M over the last few months, but fuck, she's growing up too fast for my liking lol. She's like a little sister who used to cover my ass so i wouldnt get into trouble.

- I've found out that there's another guy who "likes" me, but he's not doin anything bec of S... Apparently everyone knows that there's something going on btwn us. I keep telling everyone "no there's nothing going on... Yes i kissed him a few weeks ago.. No i didnt go home with him that night.." MA-the guy who accidently slipped out and said he liked me, said he was getting annoyed at S, cuz S seems to think he can do whatever he wants, and he often 'steals'  girls he knows his mates likes. Thats when i was like "u mean me?" "Uh yeah and the other girls, like SS" so it was an interesting wkend i had, watchin the soccer (we won the shield for the first time since 1977!) and all. I was surprised at myself, i didnt even drink alcohol, didnt feel like it.. I think me and S had our first fight the other day, it was about SS, of all people! He claimed i was jealous, when i really wasnt. I only told him to be truthful about stuff. Cuz he spent the wkend with SS (and well, she's well-known to sleep around).. While messaging me telling me he misses me etc etc.

- I've been short-tempered for the last week. It doesnt take much to set me off. Mainly i've been getting really angry about people and how they treat others. I cant remember how many times i've said "i'm so sick of this bullshit, i wish i was on a plane heading to the UK right now. There's nothing for me here!"

- As i mentioned before, M said a few thing about my friendship with J that made me think. To be honest, as hard as its gonna be (its slowly gettin easier), i'm gonna let our friendship slide. When i said its slowly getting easier- well she continiously rubs in my face how great the relationship is, between her and JB. It fuckin hurts everytime she brings up the surprises, or little things he does for her. She even mentions their sex lives (which.. can have lots of improvements apparently!), a couple times. I told M about her mentioning the sex life, she cracked the shits and said "why does she have to do that for? I dont think JB would appreciate it if he knew she was talking about him and what he does in bed! She's rubbing it in ur face that she has him and u dont! FUCK that bitch..." and well yeah, when she does that, i can feel myself slowly hating her, and distancing myself...

- Ironic really, i saw her the other night, and she was all excited about seeing me, while i was like 'yeah whatever' and she was like, 'tell me about ur wkend' so i did.. She was like 'oh u had a good time! it so feels funny that ur doing those stuff without me' I couldnt help but think.. does she expect me to stay home and pine for her? Fuck her! After she tells me about her wkend etc etc, (including droppin in a couple stuff what JB's mum has said "oh ur way better than JB's ex gf!" and "ur a real nice girl, i hope u guys wil stay together long") she goes and says "oh what u doing this wkend?" i'm like "uh, its the AFL grand final, and i'm gonna watch it, i dunno where though" blah blah.. She's like "oh i wanna spend the wkend with you.. it feels like ages since i saw u last" i'm thinkin.. she's weird.. she can feel me pullin away from her and she's trying to latch onto me. And then yesterday, i'm talking to JB about work, and the thing i thought he was organising for the grand final. He tells me the details, then sais 'oh unfortunately i wont be around, i'll be up in Queensland for a camp' Hmm, thats why J wants the spend the wkend with me hey? No boyfriend so, she's using me to get her entertainment...

*takes a deep breath* I'm getting angry here...

On the better news front... My tattoo's healing nicely.
I paid off the last of my debts a couple days ago- whoo hoo! No more arguing with my stepdad about money!
Unfortunately, I was too excited about it, i went on a shoppin spree with mum, and well, i now owe her money for them lol!
But the good thing about that shoppin spree, i got a couple outfits to wear for my 21st, and an engagement. So i dont have to worry about it anymore (actually... i need to get a new bra, singlet and shoes anyway lol)...

Has made this update post LONG enough I think! Heh.. I promise i'll be more regular..

P.S i dont really go online much these days, so if you dont see me online, its nothing personal. I'm trying to rely on face-to-face communication more than text messages/IM...
Love you all, miss you all.. Will talk soon!

Its been a big one...

Fri night-met up with B-who's visiting down from Sydney for the wkend, and C for dinner, and catching up. Told them the whole sordid story about J and JB. They were shocked that J could do something like that, when she claimed 2 weeks ago she will never do anything to hurt me. I was okay about it all.
We later went to Transport bar, where everyone was. It was funny, cuz i was tipsy by this stage, i normally mingle, but this time i stayed in 1 place for a couple hours, and everyone came and talked to me, and stuff, so it was good. Gave out my 21st party invitations. Got really good reactions about it (its printed on a photo-with 7 pics of me and on the back it has the party details-designed by Speshy :D)
JB approached me at 1 stage, and we talked normally, i was surprised that he actually talked to me, cuz J told me that he thought i hated him. Maybe the msg i sent to both of them made him realise i dont.
J and JB werent even hanging out together all night, although there was 1 time where they were together, and we were chatting.. it felt okay.

Afterwards, when Transport closed, me and a few others decided to party even more, so we ended up at the Joint bar. Before we got there, i was hugging this good guy friend, S, while another friend, D was being a sleaze as usual. He was makin comments how me and S would look good together etc etc. We asked him if he was jealous, he said he'd get jealous if we kissed. So ofc, i grabbed S, and kissed him. D turned around and stalked off. I was giggling like crazy by this stage-there was heaps ppl around and they didnt even see what happened. LOL..
As we all walked down to the Joint bar (which was a couple blocks away) I had a friend JT ask me why was i looking so sad, i ddint realise i was-i was thinking about J and JB ofc. I said "oh, just thinking about stuff" then our convo led to J being my best friend, then S came up and saw us talking about J, then he started talking about JB and J being together blah blah, JT turned around and said "they's not worth it, u deserve better" I was shocked, hearing it coming from him. Then S started being his usual self-tlaking dirty and stuff, and it was about JB and J.. I had to walk off, so no one would see the tears in my eyes. I ddint realise i was fast approaching D and his friends until D taps me on the shoulder and says "how about you and i get together?" "WHAT?" "We could be together for a long time, seriously" I laughed and said "Very funny" "Whats wrong with that? we could get married" I laughed really hard at that, he looked at me seriously and said "if i asked you tomorrow, what would u say?" I was still laughing and said "you're funny, thanks for making me laugh" and walked into the pub (which i now feel bad about. He was serious!). When in there, S and i had a serious conversation about everything, ignoring everyone else who was trying to talk to us. He told me to go out with him, cuz we could be together. mind you, by this stage i'm laughing at the whole night, it was crazy!
We bumped into this couple who used to go to school with us, and they automatically assumed we were together, and for some reason we didnt correct them-well, to be honest, we were being super friendly with each other if you know what i mean. And then the guy nearly tried to get into a fight with S, bec of something that happened at school, and i was trying to get them to quit it, and get them to talk about it reasonably. They did (i was proud of myself!).
Dont really remember much of what happened afterwards. We got a lift home off M, and during the ride home, S was trying to reason with me, how we'd be good together, and how i'd get over JB this way, blah blah. I was telling him it wasnt, cuz i wasnt ready, and i was afraid i'd hurt him and stuff. The conversation went on and on with me telling him that over and over again. So exhausted when i got home.

Sat-i had a friend's 21st that night, so i went over to a friend's place for pre-drinks and stuff. Caught a taxi to the party. It was good, but i was feeling funny about stuff for some reason.
The party ended, so we all ended up at Crown complez, and played a bit of bowling. Itw as great, took heaps funny fotos. Got a lift home from J, and for some reason, we got into this conversation, and i totally switched off and started crying silent tears. J went quiet, and tried to talk to me. I pretty much screamed at her, asking her why could she do that to me? When she's a best friend, and friends dont do stuff like that.
She said she's willing to say 'bye bye' to JB, if it'll make me feel better. I was incredulous when she said that. Doesnt she have feelings whatsoever? I got out of the car, and went inside without saying goodbye to J, and spent the next couple hours, throwing up. That was how sick the stuff she said made me feel.

Sunday-I felt like crap obviously, and S was txt messaging me, back and forth. Then i msged J and said "i wish everyone could stop tiptoeing around me, and act normal!" since my poor family pretty much have been comforting me-and that made me feel worse, cuz i havent been there for them. I wrote a poem, it was real weird.. It just came to me, and i just wrote it...
Here it is:

I'm on a deserted road.

Searching for understanding
I'm never going to find.
I refuse to rest until I do.

Apple trees here and there,
little creeks flowing deliciously cool
water by my side.

Quiet pictures running through my head
like freight trains.

I'm sad,
yet I smile.

My heart aches,
but I have hope.

I'm not sure how i came up with that. After rereading it over and over again. My interpretation is, once i understand why J did this to me, i will be able to move on properly. And since J wont give me the answer, i'm still hanging, unsure what i should do with this friendship. Because to be honest, i dont know if i can trust her again. I even told her so, and she said "wow, i never thought about the trust issue.. I know U will never hate me and stuff, but i never thought of that"
So, thats something she'll have to think about i guess.

I got a tattoo today! Its a tribal design, it means obsession. I ddint pick it for a reason, i fell in love with it last year, and didnt have the courage to get it done, until today. I went by myself, cuz it was something i had to do alone. Its on my back, near my left shoulder. Took 10 mins, and 60 bucks.. which is pretty good! I absolutely love it already! I keep taking my top off and looking at it in the mirror. I know its vain, but i dont care! LOL :D
Here's a pic of it:

S and i are still talking about stuff. I'm still telling him to give me time, since i dont feel the same about him the way he does for me-he likes me heaps... I used to like him a while back. It feels so weird reading stuff like "Honey" "babe" "Beautiful" which he does all the time. I think i'd prefer stay single, since it hasnt been long since things have happened.

I think i've made this post long enough for today!
I'd love comments about this-that means you people who come by here and read, but dont comment!

I'm feeling... i dont know what i'm feeling..

J told me today that she and JB are together. As in seeing/dating each other.
I'm SERIOUSLY okay about it all. I wonder if i've gone into shut down mode with my emotions? Cuz i'm like, dealing with this stuff better than i thought i would. I dont have the urge to cry, or feel angry like i have been feeling for the last 2 weeks. I think i'm still hurting, but it feels like i've got a black hole where my feelings should be.
I guess tomorrow night will tell-since we're all going to be at this monthly meet up at the pub. Maybe it'll hit me then? But then again, who knows? since J's never been big on PDA.. BUT JB has this jealous streak in him. As everyone knows, J is a natural flirt, so i wonder how that'll go down.

I know i can never hate them, cuz all i want them to be is happy.
I even sent them a msg saying that and that i was okay (i wonder if i was lying when i said that?). They werent expecting it, but they thanked me for that.
That made me smile, and wonder if i've been acting like the sun's never gonna come up again if they do?

I talked to a friend earlier tonight, C, and i said something out of the blue that made me realise something about myself. I tend to bottle things up, and have this attitude thats says to everyone "hey, lets smile cuz the sun's out"
And when i crumble, i really do crumble-into this big mess...
I gotta say what i'm thinkin and feeling more these days, cuz i dont want to be a shadow of who i was 12 months ago-i was a bigger mess, so unsure of myself.

Another thing i realised in the last few days, i want to be loved for who i am, not for what i represent. Does that make sense?
I know its corny and everything, but i want to be cared by a guy, who thinks i'm his moon and stars. I know if i tell J or C this they'll be "Your time will come, dont worry" I know it will, but still-it feels like i'm around couples and stuff, and i'm still alone.
I'm NOT saying having a guy will solve my problems, I know it wont. I've learnt that!
I just... want to be loved... by someone who really counts. Is that so bad?

Been a weird few days. Havent really processed it happened.
Have been talking/hearing from people i havent seen in a while.

I've mentioned a friend, H, on my other blog, i was worried about her about 7 months ago i think-since she was having an abortion, and i was totally against it. Havent seen her since a couple days before she went for it until i bumped into her the other day-at the bottle shop of all places!
I told her that i message her heaps.. and asked why she never replies, and found out she damaged her mobile and lost all the numbers stored on it. She has a new nbr-i have it.. Have messaged her a couple times, with no replies..
Its sad, because she used to be someone i could rely on, to make me laugh and all that a close friend could give.
*sighs* i think i have to let this friendship go, she knows where i live and stuff. If she wants to talk, i'll always be here for her.

Seeing her was totally weird, cuz i had a dream about her a few weeks ago. In the dream, I bumped into her, she went into labour, and i was there in the delivery room helping her deliver her baby boy.
Then i see her a few days ago, she's not pregnant but if she was, she'd be due around now. So its like the dream i had was a premonition-that i was going to see her again, and that she was gonna need me.

I heard from a 'friend' M the other day. Was quite a shock-the last time we talked we actually fought. He's actually a net buddy, who's has feelings for me for a while, even though we havent met then. We met up once. After that, he was texting me constantly, i just.. didnt feel the same. The last time we texted each other-was me just seeing how he was going, and him telling me to fuck off since he got himself a girlfriend. I guess its understandable-after all he's been telling me for ages how he felt about me, and i've pretty much been ignoring him. Then i msg him and see how hes going. So yeah.
He actually emailed me, giving me his new number. I messaged him all casual. He tells me he still has feelings for me etc etc. I told him that i dont like boys who lie and/or cant make up their minds. He hasnt said anything to that yet. Changed the subject to what was my feelings for him-I havent replied to it yet.
I dont know how i'm feeling about this whole thing. He's cute, but i dont think i want a guy right now. My heart still hurts...

I have a dilemma-my best friend J broke up with her boyfriend D a few weeks back. She was pretty messed up, after all they were talking about marriage, kids, getting a house and everything..
She went over to his house the other day to do the whole 'swap-over' and she said he looked terrible-she couldnt help but wonder if something was wrong.
I talked to D online yesterday-he was asking me if i knew anyone who'd move in with his girlfriend. I had to ask him if i read him right. He told me that she actually was around, when J came over to do the 'swap-over'...
I was just.. amazed that he could get over her so fast. So now i'm wondering if i should tell J about the girlfriend, cuz i dont want to be the one that makes her spin out, but then again if i dont tell her and she finds out she's gonna accuse me for being disloyal-kinda the same thing i accused her of being last week.

I dont know if there's a point to this post, i just felt like talking about those stuff. I know its probably bullshit. But then again, i think of so many things, sometimes they're so random...

Just updating:

I'm okay with stuff, sorted everything out with J the other day.
Went to the pub last night-just the 2 of us, chatting about everything like we used to.
Does feel different-she agrees... She's more quieter (she was always the loud one), its like we dont have much to say, so we dont talk.. we can sit there in a comfortable silence, and think about stuff, and then random things would come out of our mouth..

I actually had few drinks the other night-it was at a friend's birthday thing. Didnt even get pissed or anything, i kept eating those yummy food they had on the table. I felt like a total pig at the end of the night lol..
I'm not letting this drinking problem take ahold of me.

I think I'm okay.. I'm not saying I AM okay, but I'm taking baby steps towards that.. At least I'm laughing, and smilin' again...

Well, not right now, i'm in a total angry mood-my bro decided it was 1 of those days where he'd pick on me, insult me, and make me feel worthless.. He farkin knows which button to push.. Then he turns around and expects me to do his dirty jobs for him?! So i pretty much have been screaming at him all afternoon. Screamed at Mum, cuz she told me to 'chill' that was a big mistake lol..
I had this big urge to trash his room, but i havent and i wont..
BUt its moments like this i think "Why am i even considering postponing my UK trip just to be here for his 21st? When he treats me like this?!"
I'm definitely going up there-Jan/Feb 2007 since employment opportunities are better during those months apparently. Have been talking to a family friend who has been living there for the last 5 years. So i'm pretty much learning lots of stuff everyday!

~Leaving this for now, still feeling very angry~

Its been a very very emotional few days.
No, my day didnt get any better on Sat, i got really drunk on Sat night, and bawled my eyes out.. Talking to L.. Threw up..Messaged a couple times to J-really incoherent msgs.. Then losing my mobile a couple times.

Finally admitted to myself that i've got an alcohol problem-i've drank every night for the last 2 weeks. Usually Jim Beam straight up..
(At the moment-its been 4 days since my last drink, and its been difficult)

Finally felt ready to tell J about everything, so she came over on Monday night, stayed the night.. Had to hear stuff about her and JB that fuckin hurt. She ended up stayin all day yesterday as well, and she didnt exactly tell me the whole thing on Monday night, so i had to hear how she was at James' pretty much every night, sharing the same bed and everything. She still claims nothing happened. Never will...
Gotta say i was all "bullshit!" about it...

After hearing those things, when i thought she told me everything, kinda hit me. I couldnt talk to her, even though she was all "tell me what ur feeling and thinkin?!" I just had to talk to someone impartial to this situation. L wasnt available, but C was, so i got J to drop me off at her place-i just let it all out, and cried.. I didnt cry in front of J-didnt feel that comfortable. C and her mum listened, and offered some advice and solutions. It was funny, they were asking me if i felt this and that-like "do u feel betrayed?" "do u feel like you cant talk to her about this cuz u dont know what else she's hiding?" and i was "yes, yes yes!!" I felt alot better after that. J picked me up, and dropped me home. We talked about stuff. I told her that i'm still hurt. And still love her and everything. Talked about our friendship and stuff. She said 1 thing thats actually going thru my head repeatedly "Remember, JB is my friend too!" it made me wonder-do i give her the vibe that she cant be friends with ppl that are my friends?
I also told her that all i want for them is to be happy. She said it wont be at the cost of mine.
I also brought up the fact that she is on the rebound at the moment, and doesnt she think that she's leading JB on, by going over and stayin at his place and sharing the same bed etc etc when he's told her that he really likes her? She responded with "fair point, but i think we're already close enough for him to  ;tell me if he's feeling that way"

I had lunch with JB today, since he brought up "that" night the other night online out of the blue, have since found out that J has said something to him about me being hurt and stuff. So I had to see him, and sort things out.
I was nervous as hell about it, felt sick to my stomach, probably cuz i didnt know what he knew, and how i was gonna react to stuff he was gonna tell me. There was 1 thing i didnt want to do at the lunch-breaking down into tears.
I basically told him that i was hurt by the way he treated me the day after, even though we didnt do anything major, but he did give me a little of false hope. And asked him why did he let things go that far? (apart from drunkenness) He said he didnt know, but he did think "shit, i let it go that far" the next day. I told him i was grateful that we didnt go too far, cuz i would be worse off than i am right now.
I mentioned that it hurts, having Jen not telling me she spends alot of time with him now, and that they're getting closer etc. He told me he hopes that J and my friendship will crumble cuz of him. Cuz "She REALLY REALLY loves you, and wont do anything to hurt that friendship"

It kinda hit home that nothing has happened. Maybe i'm thinking like this cuz i'm hoping nothing has happened. And that she does value our friendship, even though she may not show it.

The lunch was short since i was late arriving (the damned trains decided to piss me off today), and we had a couple of interruptions. Since the cafe we went to was close to his work, and alot of people we know go there for lunch too. There's so much i wanna tell him, cuz i'm not sure he knows how much he hurt me after "that" night. But couldnt say it, cuz people were there, and not exactly a private place. He appreciated the fact that i could talk to him, and tell him how i feel.

After lunch, i was feeling a bit emotional about stuff, i headed down to Chapel st, i must have looked real sad, cuz a friend-who i havent seen in ages, approached me and asked me if i was ok. I was like "uh.. i need someone to talk to!" She said "i'm free all afternoon if you want to?" I was grateful for that, had a coffee, and talked about everything. She told me she doesnt think i'm confused about things. Since i know what i want, and i'm doing steps to achieving that. I told her that it feels like i'm running away, cuz i seem to make plans like this when i'm upset about stuff. She was like "Come on, its not like ur going to the UK tomorrow are you? You have what? 6 months to sort all this shit out. Thats more than enough time, and by then-its not running away!"
She gave me a fresh perspective on things. Pointed out things the others may be feeling, etc. The fact that we havent seen each other, and she doesnt know my friends probably helped. In a way, it felt like having Speshy here. Which was the next thing. Cuz talking to her on the net, and text messages isnt the same as having her here in real life.

After the few days i've had (actually, few weeks), I'm finally feeling okay about stuff. I'm talking about it, not just holding things back or blogging about it. I can talk to people, and that its okay to reach out and say "I need help, i need someone to talk to" even though i hate asking for help.

~Thinks she has made this latest entry long enough!~

Still on a fukn rollercoaster with my emotions.
I thought i was dealing with stuff, but apparently i'm not.

I'm so fukn blue today, i cant even look forward to going out tonight, even though i know its gonna be a good night, since S&L's gonna be there. And they make me laugh whenever i'm sad..

I'm doubting myself, and my dreams. I hate when i do that...
I feel like i'm not gonna achieve anything. Maybe my brother's right, i wont at all. Cuz apparently i'm too lazy.

For a while there, i was so excited about my 21st, and right now i dont even care if i have a party or not, cuz it feels like no one cares.
I'm considering throwing it all in, cancelling the party and stuff. Even though i've got the invites ready to be sent out..

Maybe.. just maybe i'm just having a bad day, and tomorrow the sun's gonna shine on me, and i'll be shaking my head at this post...