Been a weird few days. Havent really processed it happened.
Have been talking/hearing from people i havent seen in a while.

I've mentioned a friend, H, on my other blog, i was worried about her about 7 months ago i think-since she was having an abortion, and i was totally against it. Havent seen her since a couple days before she went for it until i bumped into her the other day-at the bottle shop of all places!
I told her that i message her heaps.. and asked why she never replies, and found out she damaged her mobile and lost all the numbers stored on it. She has a new nbr-i have it.. Have messaged her a couple times, with no replies..
Its sad, because she used to be someone i could rely on, to make me laugh and all that a close friend could give.
*sighs* i think i have to let this friendship go, she knows where i live and stuff. If she wants to talk, i'll always be here for her.

Seeing her was totally weird, cuz i had a dream about her a few weeks ago. In the dream, I bumped into her, she went into labour, and i was there in the delivery room helping her deliver her baby boy.
Then i see her a few days ago, she's not pregnant but if she was, she'd be due around now. So its like the dream i had was a premonition-that i was going to see her again, and that she was gonna need me.

I heard from a 'friend' M the other day. Was quite a shock-the last time we talked we actually fought. He's actually a net buddy, who's has feelings for me for a while, even though we havent met then. We met up once. After that, he was texting me constantly, i just.. didnt feel the same. The last time we texted each other-was me just seeing how he was going, and him telling me to fuck off since he got himself a girlfriend. I guess its understandable-after all he's been telling me for ages how he felt about me, and i've pretty much been ignoring him. Then i msg him and see how hes going. So yeah.
He actually emailed me, giving me his new number. I messaged him all casual. He tells me he still has feelings for me etc etc. I told him that i dont like boys who lie and/or cant make up their minds. He hasnt said anything to that yet. Changed the subject to what was my feelings for him-I havent replied to it yet.
I dont know how i'm feeling about this whole thing. He's cute, but i dont think i want a guy right now. My heart still hurts...

I have a dilemma-my best friend J broke up with her boyfriend D a few weeks back. She was pretty messed up, after all they were talking about marriage, kids, getting a house and everything..
She went over to his house the other day to do the whole 'swap-over' and she said he looked terrible-she couldnt help but wonder if something was wrong.
I talked to D online yesterday-he was asking me if i knew anyone who'd move in with his girlfriend. I had to ask him if i read him right. He told me that she actually was around, when J came over to do the 'swap-over'...
I was just.. amazed that he could get over her so fast. So now i'm wondering if i should tell J about the girlfriend, cuz i dont want to be the one that makes her spin out, but then again if i dont tell her and she finds out she's gonna accuse me for being disloyal-kinda the same thing i accused her of being last week.

I dont know if there's a point to this post, i just felt like talking about those stuff. I know its probably bullshit. But then again, i think of so many things, sometimes they're so random...

Just updating:

I'm okay with stuff, sorted everything out with J the other day.
Went to the pub last night-just the 2 of us, chatting about everything like we used to.
Does feel different-she agrees... She's more quieter (she was always the loud one), its like we dont have much to say, so we dont talk.. we can sit there in a comfortable silence, and think about stuff, and then random things would come out of our mouth..

I actually had few drinks the other night-it was at a friend's birthday thing. Didnt even get pissed or anything, i kept eating those yummy food they had on the table. I felt like a total pig at the end of the night lol..
I'm not letting this drinking problem take ahold of me.

I think I'm okay.. I'm not saying I AM okay, but I'm taking baby steps towards that.. At least I'm laughing, and smilin' again...

Well, not right now, i'm in a total angry mood-my bro decided it was 1 of those days where he'd pick on me, insult me, and make me feel worthless.. He farkin knows which button to push.. Then he turns around and expects me to do his dirty jobs for him?! So i pretty much have been screaming at him all afternoon. Screamed at Mum, cuz she told me to 'chill' that was a big mistake lol..
I had this big urge to trash his room, but i havent and i wont..
BUt its moments like this i think "Why am i even considering postponing my UK trip just to be here for his 21st? When he treats me like this?!"
I'm definitely going up there-Jan/Feb 2007 since employment opportunities are better during those months apparently. Have been talking to a family friend who has been living there for the last 5 years. So i'm pretty much learning lots of stuff everyday!

~Leaving this for now, still feeling very angry~

Its been a very very emotional few days.
No, my day didnt get any better on Sat, i got really drunk on Sat night, and bawled my eyes out.. Talking to L.. Threw up..Messaged a couple times to J-really incoherent msgs.. Then losing my mobile a couple times.

Finally admitted to myself that i've got an alcohol problem-i've drank every night for the last 2 weeks. Usually Jim Beam straight up..
(At the moment-its been 4 days since my last drink, and its been difficult)

Finally felt ready to tell J about everything, so she came over on Monday night, stayed the night.. Had to hear stuff about her and JB that fuckin hurt. She ended up stayin all day yesterday as well, and she didnt exactly tell me the whole thing on Monday night, so i had to hear how she was at James' pretty much every night, sharing the same bed and everything. She still claims nothing happened. Never will...
Gotta say i was all "bullshit!" about it...

After hearing those things, when i thought she told me everything, kinda hit me. I couldnt talk to her, even though she was all "tell me what ur feeling and thinkin?!" I just had to talk to someone impartial to this situation. L wasnt available, but C was, so i got J to drop me off at her place-i just let it all out, and cried.. I didnt cry in front of J-didnt feel that comfortable. C and her mum listened, and offered some advice and solutions. It was funny, they were asking me if i felt this and that-like "do u feel betrayed?" "do u feel like you cant talk to her about this cuz u dont know what else she's hiding?" and i was "yes, yes yes!!" I felt alot better after that. J picked me up, and dropped me home. We talked about stuff. I told her that i'm still hurt. And still love her and everything. Talked about our friendship and stuff. She said 1 thing thats actually going thru my head repeatedly "Remember, JB is my friend too!" it made me wonder-do i give her the vibe that she cant be friends with ppl that are my friends?
I also told her that all i want for them is to be happy. She said it wont be at the cost of mine.
I also brought up the fact that she is on the rebound at the moment, and doesnt she think that she's leading JB on, by going over and stayin at his place and sharing the same bed etc etc when he's told her that he really likes her? She responded with "fair point, but i think we're already close enough for him to  ;tell me if he's feeling that way"

I had lunch with JB today, since he brought up "that" night the other night online out of the blue, have since found out that J has said something to him about me being hurt and stuff. So I had to see him, and sort things out.
I was nervous as hell about it, felt sick to my stomach, probably cuz i didnt know what he knew, and how i was gonna react to stuff he was gonna tell me. There was 1 thing i didnt want to do at the lunch-breaking down into tears.
I basically told him that i was hurt by the way he treated me the day after, even though we didnt do anything major, but he did give me a little of false hope. And asked him why did he let things go that far? (apart from drunkenness) He said he didnt know, but he did think "shit, i let it go that far" the next day. I told him i was grateful that we didnt go too far, cuz i would be worse off than i am right now.
I mentioned that it hurts, having Jen not telling me she spends alot of time with him now, and that they're getting closer etc. He told me he hopes that J and my friendship will crumble cuz of him. Cuz "She REALLY REALLY loves you, and wont do anything to hurt that friendship"

It kinda hit home that nothing has happened. Maybe i'm thinking like this cuz i'm hoping nothing has happened. And that she does value our friendship, even though she may not show it.

The lunch was short since i was late arriving (the damned trains decided to piss me off today), and we had a couple of interruptions. Since the cafe we went to was close to his work, and alot of people we know go there for lunch too. There's so much i wanna tell him, cuz i'm not sure he knows how much he hurt me after "that" night. But couldnt say it, cuz people were there, and not exactly a private place. He appreciated the fact that i could talk to him, and tell him how i feel.

After lunch, i was feeling a bit emotional about stuff, i headed down to Chapel st, i must have looked real sad, cuz a friend-who i havent seen in ages, approached me and asked me if i was ok. I was like "uh.. i need someone to talk to!" She said "i'm free all afternoon if you want to?" I was grateful for that, had a coffee, and talked about everything. She told me she doesnt think i'm confused about things. Since i know what i want, and i'm doing steps to achieving that. I told her that it feels like i'm running away, cuz i seem to make plans like this when i'm upset about stuff. She was like "Come on, its not like ur going to the UK tomorrow are you? You have what? 6 months to sort all this shit out. Thats more than enough time, and by then-its not running away!"
She gave me a fresh perspective on things. Pointed out things the others may be feeling, etc. The fact that we havent seen each other, and she doesnt know my friends probably helped. In a way, it felt like having Speshy here. Which was the next thing. Cuz talking to her on the net, and text messages isnt the same as having her here in real life.

After the few days i've had (actually, few weeks), I'm finally feeling okay about stuff. I'm talking about it, not just holding things back or blogging about it. I can talk to people, and that its okay to reach out and say "I need help, i need someone to talk to" even though i hate asking for help.

~Thinks she has made this latest entry long enough!~

Still on a fukn rollercoaster with my emotions.
I thought i was dealing with stuff, but apparently i'm not.

I'm so fukn blue today, i cant even look forward to going out tonight, even though i know its gonna be a good night, since S&L's gonna be there. And they make me laugh whenever i'm sad..

I'm doubting myself, and my dreams. I hate when i do that...
I feel like i'm not gonna achieve anything. Maybe my brother's right, i wont at all. Cuz apparently i'm too lazy.

For a while there, i was so excited about my 21st, and right now i dont even care if i have a party or not, cuz it feels like no one cares.
I'm considering throwing it all in, cancelling the party and stuff. Even though i've got the invites ready to be sent out..

Maybe.. just maybe i'm just having a bad day, and tomorrow the sun's gonna shine on me, and i'll be shaking my head at this post...

The last few days have been crazy-for my brain though..

Been thinking lots, and hard about stuff.
Its mostly good, i've made some definite plans about my future.

So far i've decided:
-To go to TAFE for a year and study Welfare and community services, if i get in the program-which i wont find out till November at the latest.
-Go to the UK for at least 2 years, hopefully leaving December 2006/January 2007
-To sell my car,which is still a wreck anyway, i havent gotten it fixed since my accident in April. And use the money to start up my travelling fund.
There's a few reasons behind selling the car-petrol's getting so expensive these days, its already nearing $1.30 a litre, and whats worse-my car needs Super, and all they have these days is Unleaded and Diesel..

I'm happy about reaching to those decisions, but at the same time, i'm so scared about whatever i'm leaving behind when i do go to the UK-its always been a dream of mine.
I'm disappointed about missing my brother's 21st-which is in September 2007, which is likely since i wanna go overseas for 2 years.

Thats the only negative thing i can think of, apart from homesickness and missing everyone back home.

Anyways, the nightmares have lessened, i still do have them, but i dont really remember them-unlike the others.
I've seen, and talked to J.. We're currently sorting out stuff, but i still feel like there's a barrier between us. I'm still not telling her stuff.
Like last night, i was telling her that i'm slowly accepting that she and JB they're getting closer and stuff, and so i basically gave her my blessing if stuff does happen (i could feel my heart shattering into a million pieces when i did that-but what can u do really? Say no, and see them together and wonder if they still like each other?) between them. She still said not to be stupid, and she's already made it crystal clear to him that things cant happen between them, and yeah she used me as an excuse. I dont really appreciate that.
Maybe i'm not being fair on J, after all she's going through a bad time right now, breaking up with D a few weeks back.

Thats another thing about our friendship, i feel like all i do is give and give, and all she does is take and take. I've told her that it pisses me off when i have something to say, somehow she would bring it back to her, and stuff thats happenin with her.
I do understand she's going through a bad time, but so am i..

This friendship is doing my head in, but i dont wanna lose it, after all we've overcome so much in the last year or so, and i feel like our friendship is stronger than ever, but at the same time it could crumble if we let it. Why do i let petty stuff like that come between us? And why do i feel like i'm the unimportant one here?

~Leaving it for now~

Hey, this is my new blog.

hopefully its going to be a place where i can write about stuff, and not feel like i gotta hold back, like i feel when i write in my other blog.
This is probably because so many people, i know in real life, know about that blog.

I'm not going to name people in this blog, just in case people find this by accident, and recognise me.

Basically, lately, i feel like i'm on a roller coaster. A very emotional one. I cant even talk to my closest friend, J, about this. Because it involves her, and a guy i love. And everything everyone is going through. I feel like i dont belong anymore. Everyone's doing their own thing, and i'm stuck in this huge rut, i'm not sure how to get out of.

It kills me, knowing that J will never know about this blog, when she's the person closest to me. At the same time, i know its bound to happen-her not knowing everything thats happening with me down the track.
Actually, i think our friendship is slowly dissolving right now-i dunno if its the right word to use, but something like that is happening.
She even feels it too, she was over tonight, and we talked. But i found myself holding back stuff.

I think thats enough for now. I'm so tired, i havent slept properly in the last couple nights. I keep having dreams-that seem to be nightmares.

If anyone's gonna link me to their blog, use "Uniquely Ours" not my real name, thanks.