Hey all..

Hope this post will come up alright, since i think my page is fucked?! I'm having this warning thingo coming up just below my links tab...

Anyways, this is what has been happening lately:

-M and i caught up the other day, and had a long heart-to-heart talk, about J and our lives, what else! She kept saying she couldnt understand how J could do this to me, when she's supposed to be a best friend etc etc. I told her that i agreed with her, but at the same time i love J to bits. But can feel myself starting to back away from her, otherwise i'm gonna find some more flaws in her (and u know how dangerous that can be, you kinda pick at the flaws and u turn that against them).. M told me to tell J straight out that i dont want to be friends with her anymore.. otherwise she's not gonna get the msg. I told M that i couldnt just cut her off, cuz she's a big part of me. M, then said "okay, so why did she betray you? Has she given you a reason why she chose to be with JB?" I had to admit that J hasnt, but that was cuz she didnt know. M got really angry, and said "buillshit, you both know deep down, why it happened. She's always been jealous of you, ALL along.. and JB's just something you wanted, and she's just doin this cuz she wants to prove to you that u cant have everything!" I jumped to J's defence (for the zillionth time) and said "Nah! She's not like that!" "Okay, so give me an example, what a great friend she can be?" I couldnt think of any...
This coversation happened a week or so ago, and i still cant think of a big example of what she's done for me..
I've learnt, she's a taker... While i'm a giver...

-J and i aren't going to see each other for a while. I'm not sure how to put this, without sounding like a bitch.. But basically the whole convo with M was still running thru my head, and i was still pissed at the whole 'wanting to spend the weekend with you' thing.. I acted a bit cold towards her at E's farewell dinner thing. Then, when JB, DK & I were having a conversation, catching up since we havent done that properly lately. J comes up behind him, she couldnt keep her hands off him, distracting him, and givin us this look-like "Ha! He's mine!" I mean, so what if DK and i had feelings for him, but it wasnt like we were running our hands over him, we were just talking for christs sake! AND JB had been sayin he's happy with J. Which i'm okay about. I was pretty much angry after the whole thing, then J disappears with C (this is like 5 mins after C arrives at the restaurant!).. and when we were leaving to go to the pub, i came down with bad cramps and decided to leave. C walked me to the tram, while discussing plans for sat-which was to watch the footy final at a pub, on this huge screened tv. C tells me that J asked if she could come along, she told her it was a free country, thats when J was like "well, let me rephrase this, will A want me there?" C was totally lost by this point saying "uh i thought things were sorted things out btwn u guys" J then rolled her eyes and said "Oh who knows with her!" I got totally pissed off when i heard that...
So, it led me to sending her a msg the next day or a couple days later, telling her i didnt want to see her for a bit. She replied saying "fine, so, does this mean i'm off the speech giving list?" since i asked her to be 1 of the close friends of mine to give a speech for my 21st.. I told her that i wasnt sure at this stage..

-S and i aint really talking anymore, after i told him to quit msging me all the time. Plus he wasnt exactly nice to me the other day when we were watching the AFL finals (Sydney Swans won by the way!) on tv at the pub.. He crossed the line at teasing me, it turned into insults. I got really pissed, and it didnt help that the others were laughing.. Luckily M & C calmed me down, and jumped to my defence a couple times.

-After the finals thing at the pub, i headed out west, to a party, which i bumped into the sister of an ex boyf, (who has died) who i havent seen in a couple years, which was brilliant. Got her nbr, and have arranged to meet up with her again, and meet her little girl who apparently looks like my ex.. Who i still dearly miss. His 8th anniversary was last week. It still feels like yesterday (not literally) when he died..
But anyway, I cant wait to see KF & meet little E soon!

Yeah, so my week hasnt been that eventful, apart from staying at the friend's after the party, for a couple nights. Just lyin back chillin, piggin out on junk food and watchin the O.C season 1 on DVD.. It was real good, those ppl i was with, i dont regularly hang out, but it was good.

I'm feeling okay these days. I dont find this need to have to see someone, like J, everyday. I'm quite happy being alone with my thoughts.
I still want to be somewhere else, but i dont see it as running away anymore, i'm just ready to MOVE ON in a BIG way...

I've been reading a couple blogs in this place, and it amazes me, how much people my age, go through. I mean, i feel inferior for worrying about minor stuff i've mentioned in this pointless post...

Sorry guys, for not posting as regularly as i used to..
Things have been crazy with me..

Um, i cant remember what exactly happened after my last post, so i'll just put things in point form, not necessarily in order!

- S still messages me, and its already gotten so annoying-he calls me either "babe, beautiful, sexy, honey" every 3rd or 4th word. I've tried to tell him to chill, but he hasnt gotten the msg. I pretty much reply to every 5th msg he sends me, and i'm pretty straight to the point. Dont even call him babes, or whatever lol..

- I spent the wkend with M and C last wkend watching the soccer competition since J was up in the country with JB meeting his family. M is really angry about the situation that happened. She bluntly came out and said "i dont understand how you can be friends with J, over and over again. When she's hurt you so many times in the past, and you let her crawl back in your life!" and a few other stuff that made me think about the friendship i've got with her. I havent really been seeing M over the last few months, but fuck, she's growing up too fast for my liking lol. She's like a little sister who used to cover my ass so i wouldnt get into trouble.

- I've found out that there's another guy who "likes" me, but he's not doin anything bec of S... Apparently everyone knows that there's something going on btwn us. I keep telling everyone "no there's nothing going on... Yes i kissed him a few weeks ago.. No i didnt go home with him that night.." MA-the guy who accidently slipped out and said he liked me, said he was getting annoyed at S, cuz S seems to think he can do whatever he wants, and he often 'steals'  girls he knows his mates likes. Thats when i was like "u mean me?" "Uh yeah and the other girls, like SS" so it was an interesting wkend i had, watchin the soccer (we won the shield for the first time since 1977!) and all. I was surprised at myself, i didnt even drink alcohol, didnt feel like it.. I think me and S had our first fight the other day, it was about SS, of all people! He claimed i was jealous, when i really wasnt. I only told him to be truthful about stuff. Cuz he spent the wkend with SS (and well, she's well-known to sleep around).. While messaging me telling me he misses me etc etc.

- I've been short-tempered for the last week. It doesnt take much to set me off. Mainly i've been getting really angry about people and how they treat others. I cant remember how many times i've said "i'm so sick of this bullshit, i wish i was on a plane heading to the UK right now. There's nothing for me here!"

- As i mentioned before, M said a few thing about my friendship with J that made me think. To be honest, as hard as its gonna be (its slowly gettin easier), i'm gonna let our friendship slide. When i said its slowly getting easier- well she continiously rubs in my face how great the relationship is, between her and JB. It fuckin hurts everytime she brings up the surprises, or little things he does for her. She even mentions their sex lives (which.. can have lots of improvements apparently!), a couple times. I told M about her mentioning the sex life, she cracked the shits and said "why does she have to do that for? I dont think JB would appreciate it if he knew she was talking about him and what he does in bed! She's rubbing it in ur face that she has him and u dont! FUCK that bitch..." and well yeah, when she does that, i can feel myself slowly hating her, and distancing myself...

- Ironic really, i saw her the other night, and she was all excited about seeing me, while i was like 'yeah whatever' and she was like, 'tell me about ur wkend' so i did.. She was like 'oh u had a good time! it so feels funny that ur doing those stuff without me' I couldnt help but think.. does she expect me to stay home and pine for her? Fuck her! After she tells me about her wkend etc etc, (including droppin in a couple stuff what JB's mum has said "oh ur way better than JB's ex gf!" and "ur a real nice girl, i hope u guys wil stay together long") she goes and says "oh what u doing this wkend?" i'm like "uh, its the AFL grand final, and i'm gonna watch it, i dunno where though" blah blah.. She's like "oh i wanna spend the wkend with you.. it feels like ages since i saw u last" i'm thinkin.. she's weird.. she can feel me pullin away from her and she's trying to latch onto me. And then yesterday, i'm talking to JB about work, and the thing i thought he was organising for the grand final. He tells me the details, then sais 'oh unfortunately i wont be around, i'll be up in Queensland for a camp' Hmm, thats why J wants the spend the wkend with me hey? No boyfriend so, she's using me to get her entertainment...

*takes a deep breath* I'm getting angry here...

On the better news front... My tattoo's healing nicely.
I paid off the last of my debts a couple days ago- whoo hoo! No more arguing with my stepdad about money!
Unfortunately, I was too excited about it, i went on a shoppin spree with mum, and well, i now owe her money for them lol!
But the good thing about that shoppin spree, i got a couple outfits to wear for my 21st, and an engagement. So i dont have to worry about it anymore (actually... i need to get a new bra, singlet and shoes anyway lol)...

Has made this update post LONG enough I think! Heh.. I promise i'll be more regular..

P.S i dont really go online much these days, so if you dont see me online, its nothing personal. I'm trying to rely on face-to-face communication more than text messages/IM...
Love you all, miss you all.. Will talk soon!

Its been a big one...

Fri night-met up with B-who's visiting down from Sydney for the wkend, and C for dinner, and catching up. Told them the whole sordid story about J and JB. They were shocked that J could do something like that, when she claimed 2 weeks ago she will never do anything to hurt me. I was okay about it all.
We later went to Transport bar, where everyone was. It was funny, cuz i was tipsy by this stage, i normally mingle, but this time i stayed in 1 place for a couple hours, and everyone came and talked to me, and stuff, so it was good. Gave out my 21st party invitations. Got really good reactions about it (its printed on a photo-with 7 pics of me and on the back it has the party details-designed by Speshy :D)
JB approached me at 1 stage, and we talked normally, i was surprised that he actually talked to me, cuz J told me that he thought i hated him. Maybe the msg i sent to both of them made him realise i dont.
J and JB werent even hanging out together all night, although there was 1 time where they were together, and we were chatting.. it felt okay.

Afterwards, when Transport closed, me and a few others decided to party even more, so we ended up at the Joint bar. Before we got there, i was hugging this good guy friend, S, while another friend, D was being a sleaze as usual. He was makin comments how me and S would look good together etc etc. We asked him if he was jealous, he said he'd get jealous if we kissed. So ofc, i grabbed S, and kissed him. D turned around and stalked off. I was giggling like crazy by this stage-there was heaps ppl around and they didnt even see what happened. LOL..
As we all walked down to the Joint bar (which was a couple blocks away) I had a friend JT ask me why was i looking so sad, i ddint realise i was-i was thinking about J and JB ofc. I said "oh, just thinking about stuff" then our convo led to J being my best friend, then S came up and saw us talking about J, then he started talking about JB and J being together blah blah, JT turned around and said "they's not worth it, u deserve better" I was shocked, hearing it coming from him. Then S started being his usual self-tlaking dirty and stuff, and it was about JB and J.. I had to walk off, so no one would see the tears in my eyes. I ddint realise i was fast approaching D and his friends until D taps me on the shoulder and says "how about you and i get together?" "WHAT?" "We could be together for a long time, seriously" I laughed and said "Very funny" "Whats wrong with that? we could get married" I laughed really hard at that, he looked at me seriously and said "if i asked you tomorrow, what would u say?" I was still laughing and said "you're funny, thanks for making me laugh" and walked into the pub (which i now feel bad about. He was serious!). When in there, S and i had a serious conversation about everything, ignoring everyone else who was trying to talk to us. He told me to go out with him, cuz we could be together. mind you, by this stage i'm laughing at the whole night, it was crazy!
We bumped into this couple who used to go to school with us, and they automatically assumed we were together, and for some reason we didnt correct them-well, to be honest, we were being super friendly with each other if you know what i mean. And then the guy nearly tried to get into a fight with S, bec of something that happened at school, and i was trying to get them to quit it, and get them to talk about it reasonably. They did (i was proud of myself!).
Dont really remember much of what happened afterwards. We got a lift home off M, and during the ride home, S was trying to reason with me, how we'd be good together, and how i'd get over JB this way, blah blah. I was telling him it wasnt, cuz i wasnt ready, and i was afraid i'd hurt him and stuff. The conversation went on and on with me telling him that over and over again. So exhausted when i got home.

Sat-i had a friend's 21st that night, so i went over to a friend's place for pre-drinks and stuff. Caught a taxi to the party. It was good, but i was feeling funny about stuff for some reason.
The party ended, so we all ended up at Crown complez, and played a bit of bowling. Itw as great, took heaps funny fotos. Got a lift home from J, and for some reason, we got into this conversation, and i totally switched off and started crying silent tears. J went quiet, and tried to talk to me. I pretty much screamed at her, asking her why could she do that to me? When she's a best friend, and friends dont do stuff like that.
She said she's willing to say 'bye bye' to JB, if it'll make me feel better. I was incredulous when she said that. Doesnt she have feelings whatsoever? I got out of the car, and went inside without saying goodbye to J, and spent the next couple hours, throwing up. That was how sick the stuff she said made me feel.

Sunday-I felt like crap obviously, and S was txt messaging me, back and forth. Then i msged J and said "i wish everyone could stop tiptoeing around me, and act normal!" since my poor family pretty much have been comforting me-and that made me feel worse, cuz i havent been there for them. I wrote a poem, it was real weird.. It just came to me, and i just wrote it...
Here it is:

I'm on a deserted road.

Searching for understanding
I'm never going to find.
I refuse to rest until I do.

Apple trees here and there,
little creeks flowing deliciously cool
water by my side.

Quiet pictures running through my head
like freight trains.

I'm sad,
yet I smile.

My heart aches,
but I have hope.

I'm not sure how i came up with that. After rereading it over and over again. My interpretation is, once i understand why J did this to me, i will be able to move on properly. And since J wont give me the answer, i'm still hanging, unsure what i should do with this friendship. Because to be honest, i dont know if i can trust her again. I even told her so, and she said "wow, i never thought about the trust issue.. I know U will never hate me and stuff, but i never thought of that"
So, thats something she'll have to think about i guess.

I got a tattoo today! Its a tribal design, it means obsession. I ddint pick it for a reason, i fell in love with it last year, and didnt have the courage to get it done, until today. I went by myself, cuz it was something i had to do alone. Its on my back, near my left shoulder. Took 10 mins, and 60 bucks.. which is pretty good! I absolutely love it already! I keep taking my top off and looking at it in the mirror. I know its vain, but i dont care! LOL :D
Here's a pic of it:

S and i are still talking about stuff. I'm still telling him to give me time, since i dont feel the same about him the way he does for me-he likes me heaps... I used to like him a while back. It feels so weird reading stuff like "Honey" "babe" "Beautiful" which he does all the time. I think i'd prefer stay single, since it hasnt been long since things have happened.

I think i've made this post long enough for today!
I'd love comments about this-that means you people who come by here and read, but dont comment!

I'm feeling... i dont know what i'm feeling..

J told me today that she and JB are together. As in seeing/dating each other.
I'm SERIOUSLY okay about it all. I wonder if i've gone into shut down mode with my emotions? Cuz i'm like, dealing with this stuff better than i thought i would. I dont have the urge to cry, or feel angry like i have been feeling for the last 2 weeks. I think i'm still hurting, but it feels like i've got a black hole where my feelings should be.
I guess tomorrow night will tell-since we're all going to be at this monthly meet up at the pub. Maybe it'll hit me then? But then again, who knows? since J's never been big on PDA.. BUT JB has this jealous streak in him. As everyone knows, J is a natural flirt, so i wonder how that'll go down.

I know i can never hate them, cuz all i want them to be is happy.
I even sent them a msg saying that and that i was okay (i wonder if i was lying when i said that?). They werent expecting it, but they thanked me for that.
That made me smile, and wonder if i've been acting like the sun's never gonna come up again if they do?

I talked to a friend earlier tonight, C, and i said something out of the blue that made me realise something about myself. I tend to bottle things up, and have this attitude thats says to everyone "hey, lets smile cuz the sun's out"
And when i crumble, i really do crumble-into this big mess...
I gotta say what i'm thinkin and feeling more these days, cuz i dont want to be a shadow of who i was 12 months ago-i was a bigger mess, so unsure of myself.

Another thing i realised in the last few days, i want to be loved for who i am, not for what i represent. Does that make sense?
I know its corny and everything, but i want to be cared by a guy, who thinks i'm his moon and stars. I know if i tell J or C this they'll be "Your time will come, dont worry" I know it will, but still-it feels like i'm around couples and stuff, and i'm still alone.
I'm NOT saying having a guy will solve my problems, I know it wont. I've learnt that!
I just... want to be loved... by someone who really counts. Is that so bad?